Yesterday

Mr Untouchable called in the late afternoon. I did not answer.

Attitude Adjustment

I really have been struggling with my attitude. I am not sure if it's because I could possibly be PMSing or if I have legit reasons to be somewhat angry at life. I hate that phrase "angry at life" but sometimes that is the best way to put it. A couple weeks ago I emailed 5 people, that know me best, this short paragraph...

"In Relief Society today we were talking about spiritual gifts when a thought came to my mind. I have had a hard year and have been a little lost lately. I really need a little uplift for life and thought what better way to do it than to ask the people closest to me to give me a little feedback. I do not want you to feel obligated to do this but if you have a few minutes in your day, can you email me back to tell me of a few of the strengths that you see I posses? I feel like I need to ask you since you are one that knows me best."

4 Responded...

Response 1:

"Hi Amber,

I just got home from another long day at work, read your email and here are a few things I thought of right off the top of my head. Of course there are more YOU are AWESOME!

1) Very independent,

2) very mature for your age

3) determined

4) self-reliant

5) have a lot of will power

6) can't be bossed around

7) doesn't follow the crowd

8) sticks to her guns

9) doesn't let other influence her decisions

10) follows her heart

11) spiritually mature

12) Friendly

13) Always willing to help someone

14) Unselfish

15) Caring

16) Concerned for others

17) loves her family

18) Self motivated

19) Serious but fun

20) Compassionate AND A

21) righteous daughter of God"

Response 2:

"I've been wanting to respond to this for a couple of days now. I got all of today's work done and decided to respond before I went home so you didn't have to wait any longer. It's not much, but I hope it helps!

Your most apparent strength is your confidence in your own opinions, decisions and ideas. When you have arrived at one of your own opinions, made a decision, or have an idea in your head, you do not deviate from that course. This is a strength in that, when you have chosen the correct path (as you often do!) you are not swayed by others.

You have an infectious cheerfulness. Your yellow car fits you so well. You are always so outwardly happy and encouraging. You smile and laugh often, which uplifts others, even if on the inside you are struggling or uncomfortable.

You are an incredibly hard worker. You see yourself with a responsibility and you work yourself to death! You put in lots of time at work, not because you love it so much, but because you feel a responsibility and you work hard to fulfill it. When you have a priority, you see that it is not neglected! Thus, you also seem to work hard on church callings!"

Response 3:

"Sorry It's taken me a while to get back on this! I was trying to think, and then I forgot!

I think one of your strengths is your confidence, or your "fake" confidence, as you call it. You just carry yourself well and you seem to be very confident and outgoing. You are also very friendly to everyone.

Another is you are very independent. You don't rely on anyone for anything. You like to take care of yourself.

I'll try to think of more good ones. You have many strengths. I'm just trying to think of some good ones."

Response 4:

"Dear Amber:

Sorry this took me so long to write. But there are lots to say!

First of all, your email came at a timely point. My friend Lindsey was here visiting this week and we were talking about people and I mentioned you...she was like, oh you still talk to her? (as in, we were friends a long time ago...you still kept track of that one?) and I was like, well of course. She's the best woman I know.

And THAT I mean in the most literal sense. You are seriously the best woman I know. And I know a lot of women :) And although most days I feel like you are perfect, logic tells me likewise..but still I know that you being the BEST woman means that you do the best in the most and the areas you aren't yet able are the ones that help balance you out.

You are incredibly generous. And I mean the sort of generous where you will help anyone out that you do or do not know....and if you don't, you feel bad for it later :) The Lord gave you a good heart, and you have done the best of anyone to keep it pure.

You are a wonderful listener, which makes you the best kind of friend. You listen, but acknowledge, and laugh or emote along. As a part of this you also offer great insight that is practical and caring. This results in the people you serve and befriend being able to build a strong trust in you.

Which reminds me, you are extremely trustworthy. I never had to worry about you saying the wrong thing, even though I am sure I embarrassed you a time or ten :)

You center your life around living Christ-like and being a good person. You have committed your life to the Lord and continuously follow through. This may be something that seems silly, but I am surrounded right now by people that have not been able to maintain that much tenacity through thick and thin...they seem to ease up right around the thin parts. But you, you carry on with life, seeking out the love of the Lord and the things that you can do.

Responsibility is your strength!!! At times when I just want to stop being responsible, I look at you and know that if Amber is doing it, then by george I ought to be.

Love. You sure do know how to love. You seek out the best in people, and not being ignorant of their weaknesses or less desirable behaviors, you treat them as if they are kings and queens.

Overall, I respect and admire you so much. Especially for putting up with me. You know me better probably than any roommate I have ever had, and yet you are the one that has always stayed by my side. I don't think we have ever been in a fight? I can't think of a time... this is amazing. Your patience is something I strive for. In every way of how you operate your life and how you commit yourself to your goals, you are the better and the best woman.

Chin up, buttercup. I don't feel like this list is complete. I hope you don't mind if I send more as I think of it.

Love you dearly, in every way"


I did not really want to post these because I feel like a few are not true. Or at least have these 4 individuals fooled of who I really am. Then I thought about it and figured that if some of the closest people to my heart would write such nice things about me, they must have seen that in me at some point regardless if I still possess those characteristics. I re-read them today in my moments of heartache and discouragement. It helped. Thank you, friends, for writing me back and telling me what you have experienced in your interactions/friendship with me. It means a lot to hear the qualities you perceive. It is easy to forget that we are great when there is a very strong force pulling against us. I will forever remember what you have written me and hope that I can someday lift you up when you need it.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE

being called honey by my potential lovers. I like being called babe, but it totally depends on how it is said. When it is condesending, please no thanks. I hate being called sweetie. That just makes me feel like a kid.

"the look" that screams "dang, what a sight for sore eyes. My day is so much brighter now" upon walking in the room when pleasantly surprising someone.

playing hard to get.

Today

1) I cried on my way to work today due to a severe case of stress
2) Then prayed all morning that I would find money for payroll being that it is payday today
3) I called a couple contractors with my tail between my legs begging/demanding they pay up the money owed.
4) Then I fought with one of our company suppliers about something.
5) I stopped by the my old office to pick up our mail, see Mr. Untouchable (dang he is good looking and such a smooth talker), and visit with his mother.
6) Then I went to Salt Lake City to pick up a check from the contractor I so humbly begged money from.
7) I stopped at the U of U on my lunch break, since I was in the area, and bought two red shirts with the school's logo. I am obsessed! I'm really only trying to convince myself that it is the right thing for me to do. I have to go there every once in a while to remember what my goals are.
8) Mr. Untouchable called.
9) Then I returned to the office to find that one of my employees couldn't cash his check due to insufficient funds (it won't go through until midnight).
10) I came home to pick up Katiekins and headed to dinner.
11) I thought the day was never going to end.

Random Joys

I am addicted to vitamins. Today I took my last pack and was expecting to have my replenishment this afternoon when I arrived home from work. When I realized they had not been placed on my front porch by Mr. Fed Ex, I hurriedly tried to find a package in my purses that I have neglected to clean out from prevous usage. I felt like a drug addict. I am sure that I looked like one too rummaging through everything quickly to find my pills that I have to take every day to function properly. Luckily I found some.

One of my co-workers (the one that I admire the most because he is my protector), mummbled something to his partner, who happened to be standing at my desk, when I got up to find documents for him. As I walked out of my office I caught a smidgen of what he said... "man, sometimes when she wears skirts it kills me. She has some of the nicest legs!" I bet you can imagine how that statement made this girl feel.

I'm thinking of getting a concealed weapon license.

I had a frosty today. It was really good. I wish I didn't like sugar. My life would be so much easier.

I'm In

I am kind of obsessed with this song by Keith Urban...

Love doesn't come with a contract
You give me this, I give you that.
It's scary business.
Your heart and soul is on the line.
Baby, why else would I be standin' 'round here
so tongue tied?

If I knew what I was doing,
I'd be doing it right now.
And I would be the best damn poet;
Silver words out of my mouth.
My words might not be magic,
But they cut straight to the truth.
So if you need a lover and a friend,
Baby, I'm in. I'm in.

Baby, come on in, the water's fine.
I'll be right here, you take your time.
Just let me hold you.
And we'll both take that leap of faith.
It's like I told you, there's no guarantees when
you feel this way.

If I knew what I was doing,
I'd be doing it right now.
And I would be the best damn poet;
Silver words out of my mouth.
My words might not be magic,
But they cut straight to the truth.
So if you need a lover and a friend,
Baby, I'm in. I'm in.
Baby,I'm in, I'm in.

Baby, come here next to me
I'll show you how good it can be
I'll breathe each breath you breathe;
I can pour out everything I am,
Everything I am.

If I knew what I was doing,
I'd be doing it right now.
And I would be the best damn poet;
Silver words out of my mouth.
My words might not be magic,
But they cut straight to the truth.
Oh, so if you need a lover and a friend,
Yeah, if you need a lover and a friend,
Ooh, baby, I'm in. I'm in.
Baby,I'm in. I'm in.

Baby, come here next to me
I'll show you how good it can be
I'll breathe each breath you breathe;
I can pour out everything I am.

Baby, come here next to me;
I'll show you how good it can be.
Baby, come here next to me;
I'll show you how good it can be.

Baby, come here. Baby, come here. Baby, come here.

2 Things

1) I saw a very attractive man on the trail I went hiking/running on today. He was hairy, hippie-looking, and of course with a couple girls. I passed him hiking up but was praying he didn't look back because he would have been able to see my butt hanging out since my shorts are so ridiculously short. When I returned back to my car, him and his girly friends were standing around and he kept staring. It made me nervous so I tried to not make eye contact I guess that is what I get for wearing such short shorts to go running in...

2) Bottomless(aka man-eating) toilets creep me out. They are the ones you often find in parks that do not have plumbing. When you sit on them there is usually a nice cold breeze and a smell of everyone else's waste protruding as you listen for your own to hit the bottom (10 minutes later!). Not fun. In fact, when I was younger, I used to hold it until we found a bathroom with plumbing because I couldn't stand to use them. I was always afraid something was going to jump out of it and bite my rump. I was desperate and had to use one today.

Dear Mr. So and So,

I really am writing this to tell you that I miss you. I am copying my best friend when I make posts like this, but mainly because I think she has great ideas and I want to let you know these things even if I refuse to put your name on this. I will just let you assume it is for you, or maybe you will think it is for someone else. Who knows. I actually wrote this in my head last night as I laid there sleepless until 2 in the morning. I used to think about you a lot, but in the last couple weeks my wheels haven't been spinning as much when it comes to you as they were a couple months ago. It was really fun being around you so much. My whole association/relationship with you was one of the most exciting times in my life for several reasons.

You made me feel like a princess.

You made me like myself because you liked me.

You gave me a lot of hope.

You made me remember how good it feels to anticipate the little things. Like leaving for lunch everyday at 2 pm just to make sure I get home after the mailman has come to check for letters. I don't leave work for lunch anymore. Well, part of that is because I cut my hours back and don't get a lunch, but if you were still writing me I would make time for it.

You made me realize that there are still people out there that love interacting with children as opposed to them being a nuisance.

You showed me that there are people still dedicating themselves to something grand, even if you slipped a few times.

You told me I would be an amazing mother because I passed your test.

You told me you could marry me... and that we would probably get married. I don't think the latter of that is true now.

You made me smile when I was sitting at my desk just thinking of you.

You distracted me from the stress of my job. Even if it did cause me to slack a little... okay, so maybe I slacked a lot. But it was definitely a good distraction.

You made me giggle like a little school girl; especially when you would tickle me on your bed and I would try desperately to get away. Somehow we both ended up lying on the floor tangled up kissing here and there in between tickle sessions. Hee hee. That still makes me giggle.

You made me laugh really hard to the point that I couldn't talk. Like once in a deserted park while in my car... okay, I am not finishing the rest of that but I will just say there were young kids on bikes pointing at us.

You made me feel sexy. Like the first time I came to your house and you took me to every room in the mansion to kiss me... then got caught by your friend when we were in the storage closet. Oops!

You taught me what looooooong goodbyes are like.

You introduced me to some really great people.

You almost ALMOST made me know what love is.

My favorite day with you was when I went to your house for the first time and met almost your entire family. Well, not the entire family, but a lot of them anyway. Your cousins LOVED me! It was really fun, comfortable, and you made me feel like I was irresistible to you.

I will never know what love is with you and that is okay. Not everyone is for everyone, but at least we had a lot of fun while it lasted. I will probably always wonder what it would have been like to let things take its course and progress further in a romantic relationship, but then again I have this same thought with everyone I date. We have a lot of similarities, but at the same time a lot of differences. You are a good guy, but not the one for me. Maybe someday we will cross paths on a more regular bases. Maybe we will have the opportunity again when we are more compatible. In all honesty, I think it is done. Only the romantic side anyway. Some days I wish that you would stop talking to me so much, but that is only because it is really hard for me to distance myself from something that I know I should not have.

I do not know if you read my blogs. I really do not think that you do. If you do, that is okay. I hope you realize that I still think the world of you...

Am I ridiculous...

• for watching the TV series Intervention because it gives me hope for the world? It shows me that there are still people messing up out there that actually want to change. Granted, they may be forced to change due to the help of people who love them, but still the mere fact that they are willing to do so makes me happy.
• because I thrive on getting attention from older men even if they are 50 years old, who are still married, have a girlfriend on the side, and have children older than me?
• in a sense that I do something once and then obsess over it for weeks, months, and sometimes years?
• in thinking that someday I will find someone to marry that will 1) not have a potty mouth 2) hate sarcasm as much as I do 3) appreciate my quirkiness that my best friend Katie loves 4) not assume I am sleeping with everyone's husband that I come in contact with 5) want to make babies in weird obscene places and 6) live like hippies in the mountains for a vacation every once in a while.
• for making even lines in the grass when I mow... and if it is not even go over it again and again until it is... similar to the vacuum lines on the carpet.
• because I like to tell whoever will listen about my drama (oh my goodness, I just realized I am one of those girls!)?
• for getting excited to take the garbage cans out to the road at the office on Thursdays so I can have a few moments in the sun?
• in thinking that the world will end in 2012.
• to get my doctorate in the study of gastroenterology so I can 1) cure cancer 2) learn more about the stomach and intestines because they are facinating organs 3) discover a healthy/easier way to help others lose weight since I have struggled with it from day one and 4) have a more fulfilling career where I return home at night knowing I did something good for someone else.
• because I want to be Meredith Grey and date dreamy Dr. Sheppard?
• for thinking that my dreams are always trying to tell me something?
• for aspiring to be an amazing hip hop dancer and sometimes late at night find myself in my room dancing with my ipod like I am on stage and a crowd is watching me.
• in thinking men with abnormal amounts of body hair are sexier than anything in this world?
• for asking people really personal questions like "have you ever cheated on your wife?" and then surprised when they actually tell me the truth?
• to think that I don't deserve the best friends that I have because of how amazing they are and how many faults I have?
• for wanting to make a lot of money someday so I can help others go to college that don't have the funds available?
• to wish I could teach well.
• because I like coming home to a clean house.
• because I enjoy beable to fix mechanical things?
• for loving the sight of watching a transformation in someone.
• for the burning sensation I have inside of me when I see certain people? It feels like my heart is going to jump out of my chest and my voice gets really high pitch becaus of how happy I am to see them...
• for sitting in my room spending so much time to write this when it is a beautiful sunny day outside...